<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Never knew I needed by KanaGirl</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23060905">Never knew I needed</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/KanaGirl/pseuds/KanaGirl'>KanaGirl</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Hold Me Tight [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mewgulf, TharnType the Series (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 07:20:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,287</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23060905</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/KanaGirl/pseuds/KanaGirl</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Can we talk now?" Gulf closes the door behind him as soon as their managers and mothers exited the room. Gulf can feel the tension building up between him and his P and he's not gonna lie — he's incredibly nervous right now. Scared that he might read things wrongly and that maybe Mew doesn't really see him the way he sees the other. "I mean, about what happened back in your waiting room? P, I know —"</p><p>"I'm scared."</p><p>Gulf halts on his steps closer to Mew who looks at him with those eyes — those pleading eyes and maybe something in him broke the moment it crosses the older's eyes.</p><p>"Scared of what, P?" He asked, trying to hide his now shaking voice.</p><p>"Scared of this. Scared of us... scared of you." Mew took a step back and leans against the wall, tucking his hands inside the pockets of his jeans. "I'm not stupid, Gulf... and I know you're not too. The us right now crossed way too many lines already to make this work and somewhere along the way, we both know that we've gone beyond some lines we shouldn't cross personally — and I'm scared of that, Gulf... I'm scared because you kept on looking at me like —"</p><p>"Like what, P?"</p><p>"Like you feel the same way I do..."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>MewGulf - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Hold Me Tight [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1657333</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>281</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Never knew I needed</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi. So I'm @CheskaaaBuhat on Twitter and I've been posting summaries of stories I want to write for MewGulf there. A lot of my friends there are supportive... But - it's been a hard journey for me to start a series for this fandom especially when my passion for writing is not fully back yet. But these two (MewGulf) inspires me to write again, so maybe, even if it's just baby steps, I can go back to writing again.</p><p>English is not my first language. Expect typos and grammatical errors along the way.</p><p>This is a series. I'm following from Mew's FM in BKK. The events after that is where we're off to after this first one.</p><p>Be patient with me. I got a life outside the fandom and there's tons of responsibilities I have to face in my every day life. I don't write all the time. It's best for me to be clear about that. So you guys won't expect so much out of me.</p><p>So there. ENJOY!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“P’?”</p><p>Mew’s thoughts were interrupted just by hearing the sound of that voice. Gulf comes in, with his wide adorable eyes and a smile that never fails to cheer Mew up even without him trying so much. He’s holding his face mask he believes he worn on his way to the venue with his left hand.</p><p>Mew didn’t bother saying hello. He just watched him as he make his way towards him, carefully and slowly, as if he’s asking if it’s okay. So Mew did what he always does when he’s around – he opened his arms widely, opened it for the younger so he could welcome the warmth Gulf’s body has always. Gulf has always been so warm.</p><p>With quick steps, Gulf closed the gaps between Mew and him and is now sitting on the older male’s lap like he owns it – to which Mew himself believes that Gulf does, owned it.</p><p>“Hi, P. I’m here.” He said as he welcomes Mew’s head between the junction of his neck and his shoulders. He always does this. He knows what Mew needs the most without the other even asking. “You nervous?” he runs his fingers gently through Mew’s styled hair, careful not to ruin it. But Mew thinks he doesn’t care if his hair is ruined – he wants those hand on him, wants those fingers to run through his hair with comfort and care.</p><p>“Very…” he said, hold on Gulf’s waist tightening a little and Mew thinks he noticed and felt that because the younger squirmed on his lap to move closer than he already is to Mew, completely burying the latter’s face on his neck – latter’s favorite place to be at when he’s feeling all insecure and worried. “I’m afraid that I will mess things up –“</p><p>“P… you worked hard day and night to make things perfect today, I don’t think you’ll mess things up.”</p><p>“You didn’t know that –“</p><p>“I do know that – I’ve seen you rehearsed a hundred of times.” Mew heard him click his tongue and the next thing he knew, Gulf is pulling his face away from his favorite hiding place – Gulf’s neck – and their gazes locking. “The people outside waiting for you, are those people who loves you so much. They are the people who stayed beside you and choose you more than anyone else… so tell me, what could possibly go wrong?” He leans forward and it made their forehead bumps with each other. “They are your Mewlions, P… they got you always. In their eyes, you are perfect. You won’t mess things up, out there.”</p><p>“You think so?”</p><p>“I know so. I bet my life to it.”</p><p>That made the older smile widely. <em>Trust Gulf to always say the things you never thought would ever leave his mouth, huh? Damn, I’m in this too deep. </em>That’s what he thought for himself.</p><p>Tucking his head back between the junction of Gulf’s neck and shoulder, he hummed, finally calming down himself for the first time today.</p><p>“I got you too… right?”</p><p>Mew can feel Gulf smiling as the younger got his cheek pressed against his. “You always do… since the first time we met; you’ve always got me, P.”</p><p>And with that, Mew was suddenly reminded of how they used to be back then. How he finds Gulf to be the quiet type, someone hard to be close with. And with that thought in his mind, he suddenly pulls away from him, earning a gasp from Gulf as it was quite harshly he did so.</p><p>“What?” he asked but Mew just continues looking at him. “P’?”</p><p>Everything that happens between Gulf and him – it came rushing back into his head and it suddenly wants to make him cry but he knows he can’t cry right now for he needs to be up on stage very soon.  And damn, his eyes are holding in the tears as much as it can but then Gulf pulls him for a hug – the tightest hug he ever had with him, not as Type Thiwat, but as Gulf Kanawut; the biggest surprise and the biggest blessing for his 2019.</p><p>Mew believes that the only thing that is constant in this world is change. And the changes in his life ever since Gulf happened is a mixture of drastic, a mystery, a surprise – one unexpected collision of two worlds he wants to believe connects them to many other beautiful worlds together. Gulf Kanawut came into his life like he’s meant to be in it to give it color, to deliver changes… to complete it.</p><p>Gulf Kanawut is that one unexpected thing Mew never thought he needed in his life to help him back up on his own feet. The biggest surprise of his life, in a way where suddenly, everything around him, everywhere he looks, there’s Gulf either on his right, left, back and in front of him. He’s just everywhere. He’s all he sees and he got too used of the idea of him being all around him and it suddenly made him feel all scared and insecure because – until when is Gulf staying in his life? Until when is his life allowing him to keep such a blessing in his life before he goes and leave?</p><p>And then suddenly, Mew wonders when did Gulf become the best part of his life? He wonders when he started to be the first and last person he wants to see every single day. He wonders when did Gulf gave him the feeling of being selfish, wanting him only for himself, for him to touch, to feel, to love on his own… he really wonders.</p><p>“P, you’re scaring me… why are you crying? Come here.” Gulf tries to pull Mew back for a hug but a series of knocks by the door made us both halt. It gave Mew time to wipe away his tears though, especially when Gulf stood from the comfort of his lap and waited for whoever it is that is coming.</p><p>It was their moms.</p><p>“Mom…” Mew called and she hurried once she saw his crying face. “Sorry… I know I’ve just finished with my make-up but can you call my make-up artist for me so we could get a retouch? And Gulf?”</p><p>Gulf is still looking at his P, worry still visible in his eyes. Though Mew gives him a smile to maybe ease his conflicted heart, he knew Gulf won’t be at ease until they talk things out.</p><p>“I’ll see you on stage.”</p><p>“Okay, but… are you okay, P? Please tell me you’re okay at least before I go.”</p><p>“I’m okay… I just – I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed.”</p><p>“Overwhelmed by what? Or by whom?”</p><p><em>By you. </em>Mew wanted to say but didn’t. Instead he bit down his lower lip and suppresses everything inside. Now is not the right time and place for them to talk about the things happening between them. He’s not ready to lose it now… but he knows he has to talk about it. They need to clear things up or else it’ll be like how it did before… he’ll lose it like before.</p><p>“Do you want me to hold your hand?”</p><p>Mew shook his head and hid his hands behind him to avoid Gulf’s. He knows his action would make the younger overthink but he just couldn’t let Gulf hold him right now or he’ll break down. He doesn’t trust himself around Gulf now. He feels like the moment they touch, he won’t be able to let go and until they talk about them, he’s not going to be selfish and hold him to comfort himself.</p><p>He decided to deal with him after meeting his fans. If he ended up losing him, at least he already started taking a step back and maybe… just maybe… it would hurt a little less.</p><p>-</p><p>Gulf do not understand why his P’Mew suddenly want him out of the room – I mean, he didn’t actually tell him to go but his words kind of tells him that he have to leave right then and there.</p><p>“You know he’s just a little bit stressed right now, right Nong?”</p><p>Gulf finds Bosser right beside him with his two managers who are organizing stuffs he would use later when he goes on stage with his P’Mew.</p><p>“Why is everyone here? Who’s left with P?” he asked as he opens his mouth in a small “ahh” because the make-up artist is applying something on it.</p><p>“P’Mew asked me to come.” Bosser said, putting down Mew’s bag right beside his. “He’s left with his mom and the make-up artists. They need to touch up his make-up because he cried.”</p><p>“I’m sorry…” Gulf lowered down his head. “I don’t know what happened and what made him cry but I swear we didn’t fight and –“</p><p>“Hey, chill out, love. No one’s blaming you for why he cried. We all know you guys didn’t fight, otherwise you wouldn’t want to hold his hands when you’re about to leave him back there. You saw him trembling, didn’t you?”</p><p>Gulf only nodded and the three of them look at the younger as if saying they understand the situation. Working with Mew allows him to learn things about him. Gulf would like to think that Mew opens up to him like he wanted him to understand him, like he wanted Gulf to hold him, to stay, to… to know him. And though his eyes are sometimes giving him the vibes that he’s being cautious, Gulf knows Mew wanted him there. He just knows when and where he wants him to be and what happened back in the older’s own dressing room is one of those times. He wanted Gulf to stay but he chose to chase him away. And Gulf wanted to know why Mew decided against what he truly wants and it’s making him sad and bothered and uncomfortable. It was during this moment when he doesn’t know exactly what Mew wants and it’s making him feel uncertain especially on how he should approach him and comfort him.</p><p>“Things will get better after this event, love. You’ll talk to him after, okay? For now, you need to focus.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>By the time his P'Mew's fan meeting starts, Gulf can only watch him from the backstage as he interacted with his fans. His appearance is not up yet so he got the time and the space to think things that happened back in Mew's waiting room.</p><p>They've been living the life of Tharn and Type for a year now and Gulf felt thankful for those two fictional characters because they made him and Mew meet. Because their story is written, Gulf was able to meet Mew. And with the help of their characters, Gulf would like to believe that as Gulf himself, he somehow managed to break through Mew's walls... but it sure doesn't seem like that back there in Mew's waiting room.</p><p>There's a sudden pain in his chest, making him want to leave the place and just go home to maybe sleep and try to forget everything, but how could he even take a step away from Mew when he knows the older needs him there?</p><p>His arms that are crossed as he watches Mew through the screen detangles. One hand flying to where his heart is. It's beating faster than usual but that's kind of normal now since it's been like that for a few months already by just a glimpse of his P. And the smile on Mew's face right now that he can see through the screen — he never wants it to go away. He never wants to be the reason those smiles would fade away. He knew what his P went through and he's not giving him another reason to get hurt again. The moment he felt those feelings inside him, he swore to himself that he will never ever let it hurt Mew.</p><p>Is it better not to talk to Mew after all? Is it better not to address what happened back there? If his feelings would make Mew look at him with so much contemplation then he rather not say anything. He'll just keep it all to himself and keep it hidden, safe and sound inside him.</p><p>"It's almost time for you to go up there, Nong... don't shed a tear now."</p><p>The next thing he knew, tissues are being shove to his hand for him to hold by his P'Bester.</p><p>"I'm not about to shed a tear —"</p><p>"Convince me when there are no tears threatening to fall from your eyes, bub." Bester raised an eyebrow on him, waiting for Gulf's rebut that didn't came. He sighs and fixed the younger's clothes. "I don't say much often but you know I notice everything, right? And by now I can tell that you're in the middle of freaking out internally. Your heart and your mind don’t get along?"</p><p>Gulf continued to stand still, eyes casted downwards. Floor is suddenly a fun thing to stare at. "You know he's only looking out for you, right bub?"</p><p>"Does looking out for me requires him to not acknowledge whatever it is that I'm feeling right now?"</p><p>"Well... we both know he would rather be in the same situation again if that means it'll save you more than it saves him, Nong.."</p><p>Gulf looks back at his manager's eyes. "So if you think you are ready to face the consequences of feeling that way towards him and you truly wants to tell him how you feel, then I'll be right behind you — all of us will. But if you're half-hearted about it then I want you to take a few steps back and give yourself and Mew space from it... you can be pretty stubborn sometimes but it won't work in your situation now..."</p><p>“How long have you –“</p><p>“You really think I wouldn’t know when I’ve been with you for so long? Come on, bub. You’re giving me less credit, huh?” Bester smiles and playfully rolls his eyes. “The moment your eyes changes as you look at him… is the very moment I know that something in you accepted your feelings for him and you are letting those feelings to take over you…”</p><p>"Gulf, you're up in — what the heck are you guys crying about here?" Bermb came in without warning inside Gulf’s waiting room. He was just out to check what’s happening outside. "Did you just —"</p><p>"No I didn't. Let's go on standby."</p><p>He goes out of the room before any of his managers speak again. Almost as if he's running away from being confronted.</p><p>He was on the left side of the stage and can now clearly see Mew as he tries to catch his breath after that performance. As if the latter could feel him, his head turns to where Gulf is standing and smiles — the kind of smile that is grateful he sees him there. That's enough encouragement for Gulf to take one water bottle from the table near him and accepts what P'Bosser is lending him — a face towel.</p><p>The plan is for Gulf to just go up there and give Mew a water bottle and a towel – like a staff or something. They didn’t really planned how he’s coming up but looks like they’ll stick to whatever they decided first hand.</p><p>Loud cheers erupted inside the venue and that put an automatic smile on both of their faces. They love their fans. They love when they make them happy just by doing simple things. They love that they're the one being cheered for by them. They love that they share this group of amazing people to support them. On normal days with their fans, they always feel overwhelmed, thinking they don't deserve them. But their fans would always keep them from thinking that by sending the two of them lots of love and support.</p><p>So Gulf often wonders — are they going to stay if things between him and Mew escalated into something more? He’s not dumb. He knows how most of their fans want them to just get into it. But of course they just couldn’t especially when they’re both like – like this. Hesitating to address whatever it is that’s happening between them.</p><p>Taking care of Mew comes first so he shut those thoughts out of his mind. He approaches his P with a smile on his face.</p><p>The program carries on as planned. Not at as scripted as they planned to be because Mew and Gulf tends to forget that some of their interaction is planned beforehand. Most of the times, they would act on their own and just forget about the details. And Gulf knows that they went on ahead by instinct that night, not minding the script, the MC, the crowd.</p><p>--</p><p>"Can we talk now?" Gulf closes the door behind him as soon as their managers and mothers exited the room. Gulf can feel the tension building up between him and his P and he's not gonna lie — he's incredibly nervous right now. Scared that he might read things wrongly and that maybe Mew doesn't really see him the way he sees the other. "I mean, about what happened back in your waiting room? P, I know —"</p><p>"I'm scared."</p><p>Gulf halts on his steps closer to Mew who looks at him with those eyes — those pleading eyes and maybe something in him broke the moment it crosses the older's eyes.</p><p>"Scared of what, P?" He asked, trying to hide his now shaking voice.</p><p>"Scared of this. Scared of us... scared of you." Mew took a step back and leans against the wall, tucking his hands inside the pockets of his jeans. "I'm not stupid, Gulf... and I know you're not too. The us right now crossed way too many lines already to make this work and somewhere along the way, we both know that we've gone beyond some lines we shouldn't cross personally — and I'm scared of that, Gulf... I'm scared because you kept on looking at me like —"</p><p>"Like what, P?"</p><p>"Like you feel the same way I do..."</p><p>Then there was silence between them. The next thing Gulf knew, Mew is closing the gap between them.</p><p>"I don't wanna lose whatever it is that we have, Gulf... and trust me, I'm trying to stop myself into diving into it deeper than I already have... Something between us changed. We've changed since December, Gulf. And I —"</p><p>"I know. I am fully aware."</p><p>It was Mew's turn to remain silent. Gulf this time, is moving closer to Mew because he needed his P closer than he already is. He don't trust his shaking legs right now, he might collapse right there and then.</p><p>"You said it yourself, neither of us is stupid. I noticed things you've become fully aware of too, P. But you know me. I will not address something unless I am confronted about it. And I know... I know how you feel about it — about us. And I've been watching how you react with the things that I do... you are cautious most of the times, P..." Mew leans against Gulf's palm when it touches his cheek and that made the latter's eyes be filled with tears. "Sometimes, you are not sure on how to react and I'll feel guilty about it... but then you'll look at me as if you're asking me what I am doing, as if you're making sure I just did what I did..."</p><p>"Gulf —"</p><p>"As if you're making sure it was me doing that..."</p><p>Mew held Gulf's hands to his own, trying to stop its shaking. "Gulf, look at me. Calm down —"</p><p>"This is a very difficult thing for us to name and we're both scared of it for different reasons, but I know how I feel about you, P. And I'm hoping you know how you feel about me too..."</p><p>"Gulf, I know, okay? I know what it is but —"</p><p>"But you're scared, I know." Gulf took a few steps back, suppressing his tears threatening to fall from his usually cheerful eyes. "And I am scared too... but I trust you with all of me, P... I always think that with you around, nothing could ever go wrong. That with you around, I can be me because you got my back always... you will always remind me of things to do and not to do — it's like I've became fully dependent on you since day 1. I know it's usually you being the reliable one between us two, but when times come and you'll look at me like you need some sort of support, my heart skips a beat because it's me you're looking for — I feel like you're depending on me too... like, you're allowing yourself to be free with me... but even after all of that, there are days when I couldn't even understand what's in your head — and earlier in your waiting room was one of those days. You're looking at me like you wanted me to stay and the next thing I knew; you want me out of the room."</p><p>"I need time to process everything myself, Gulf. Because you seem to be so ready to jump off the cliff with me anytime. I need to fully assess myself if I —" he choke on his own tears. Damn, they're both crying now. "I need to see it for myself if I'm ready for you... for us... I need to check if I'm healed to be worthy of you because you know exactly what you want since day 1, Gulf..."</p><p>"While you don't..." that wasn't a question from Gulf and Mew nodded slowly.</p><p>The smile on Gulf's lips isn't the usual smile he used of wearing. It's not the smile he fell in love with.</p><p>"I just want to protect whatever it is that we have, Gulf..."</p><p>"By not talking about it? Is that how you wanna do it, P?"</p><p>"No!" Mew quickly says and suddenly a small smile is back on Gulf's lips. "Damn you, stop... it's just... you're — I never thought someone like you could ever walk in my life like you're born to be in it and now I'm a mess because I don't know how I should take it... I don't know how to handle you, because the last time I tried —" he stops and then continues but skipping something that Gulf already probably knows because the younger looks at him with knowing eyes. "When I thought it was okay to be selfish and give in to the feelings I've felt before, I ended up getting myself hurt in the end."</p><p>"But we're different, P... because we crossed the personal level and now we're here talking about it. You never reached this point the last time..."</p><p>"That's why I'm scared and cautious because I know with you is so much more and I'm not prepared for any of it and —"</p><p>"Sshhh... I understand." Gulf pulls Mew for a hug when the older started to tremble a little. "I promised myself that I will not let my feelings make you feel uncomfortable — but I ain't taking it back either, P... it's yours to think about. If you want things to stay as it is and let tomorrow take us, then okay... we'll talk when you're ready. I'll say it when you're ready."</p><p>"I don't deserve you..."</p><p>"You deserve me, P." Gulf pulls away, hands sliding against Mew's arms all the way his hands to hold it tight. "And I'm ready whenever you are..."</p><p>Gulf's eyes have always been so bare, real, clear. It's always been so honest, warm and assuring. And Gulf's eyes only shows his reflection like it's been there since forever. Like Gulf has always been looking at him that his own damn reflection from his eyes became apparent, like it belongs there.</p><p>A series of knocks can be heard and their managers, Bosser, Bermb and Bester, heads peeked in, as if they're making sure if it's okay to get inside or something.</p><p>When Gulf lets go of his hand, he suddenly misses the feeling even though it was just there.</p><p>"I really don't want to interrupt but... Nong, you have your internship tomorrow... we should go." Bermb says, softly but with finality in his voice.</p><p>When Gulf comes over to where Bermb is, Mew watches him intently. Suddenly he became so aware of Gulf and that brought a smile on his lips.</p><p>"I'll see you later, P... I'll call you tomorrow."</p><p>"I have classes till 10pm."</p><p>Gulf only nods, taking note of the information inside his head and then they were gone, leaving Mew with Bosser.</p><p>When they're finally left alone, Mew let out the breathe he didn't know he was holding. God, Gulf is so beautiful and stubborn, and damn, he's just too weak for the boy. He wonders for how long he can still withstand Gulf. He wonders for how long can he still hold onto his promise to himself that he's never doing this again? That he's not letting himself get caught again?</p><p>He was so close in losing his mind, when Bosser taps his shoulder before shoving his phone in front of his face.</p><p>
  <em>Gulf: Go home safely. I want you to call me as soon as you get home like usual, but I guess we've had enough talk for today, so just go straight to bed and sleep. Rest well for your classes tomorrow. Dream of me but don't wake up tomorrow missing me so much. Okay? Good night and see you later, P. </em>
  <em>💛</em>
</p><p>That message sure brought a smile on his lips and right there and then, he admitted defeat.</p><p>—</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>